The orphanage

My greatest longing when I was in Saint Mary's Orphanage for Girls was the longing for my brothers company. The first Christmas I was there I wasn't allowed to go home so mom brought the boys to see me. I didn't care about getting gifts my gifts were Larry, Jerry, Bobby and Rusty. I cried like a baby( I was 6 yrs old ) when they had to leave. I always felt such happiness and pride when my brothers were around.I felt loved and safe in their company.I sank into a deep loneliness when they left that day. For the first time in my life I felt raging anger at...I didn't know who to direct my anger towards,..so I was angry with God. I blamed Him for all the problems, pain and loss. I felt he had let me down and forgot about me.
I never knew about God until coming to Saint Mary's several months before. It was there I came to understand that someone greater than anything created everything and allowed it to exist. If this was true,I reckoned, then it was God's fault all these problems and sufferings existed. Often I stood at the fence that surrounded the property and lamented at my circumstances. I tried desperately to reconcile a loving, caring Creator with my painful rejection and loneliness.
On the one hand I felt drawn to God and the beauty of the Mass and Sacraments of the Catholic Church, but on the other hand I felt confused and angry about my situation. Some of the nuns at Saint Mary's were loving, and some were aloof. One was abusive to me.( That can be another blog )For some reason I never blamed my parents. I felt they loved me and couldn't/wouldn't do anything to hurt me.
For many years I battled with these feelings and confusion. Then one day it occurred to me..BINGO... Freewill. We all have freewill. All the suffering that surrounded me was the result of the adults in my life exercising their freewill! It was then the curtained parted and I saw that God didn't have anything to do with my being separated from my family other than allowing people to use the freewill He had given them. Now I know that freewill was given so that we may choose to do good with this gift, but we can also choose to do otherwise. My parents had problems and couldn't seem to get it together for the good of their children.
As an adult I went back to Saint Mary's to visit. Many things had changed but the fence was still there. I walked around the property looking at all the special places I use to hang out. I walked up to the fence and as I stood there all the anger, pain and loneliness flooded back through me. I cried out to God,"WHY,WHY??" As I stood there expecting no response I was instantly filled with peace. In my mind and heart I felt that God said to me, " Joanne, you always saw this fence as a prison wall but I intended it to be a fortress wall to protect you." I realized in an instant that God had allowed me to be place at Saint Mary's for my good, to keep me safe from the lack of stability at home, and in my parents life. Yes, it was not always easy at Saint Mary's but I was provided for, fed, clothed, educated, had friends, and a measure of safety. Even the abusive nun was soon found out, and I was protected from her. So, God was taking as good a care of me as He could without violating the freewill of anyone else. As I stood there realizing all of this all I could say was "Thank you, dear God for caring for me and my brothers even though we may have blamed you. I now see You were taking care of us."

The orphanage

I have so many stories of this time I don't know where to begin. My brothers have their own stories. I wish Bobby and Jerry had written down some of their experiences before they died.They would be sooooo funny. I know Larry has a bunch too. Because I have always been so intense I often failed to find the humor in this period of my life. Bobby, on the other had, could always make a sad story funny.
In 1951 or 52 all of us were sent to Catholic orphanages. The boys went to Saint Joseph's in Washington,Ga., and I went to Saint Mary's in Savannah, Ga. That first year I was there was very traumatic.I had never been taught anything about God that I could remember, and never seen a nun in full habit. They scared the heck out of me!
I was use to running free, and was pretty much a happy child despite the problems at home. I had my brothers and they were my everything. I can honestly say I loved them more than our parents. At least that's how I remember feeling.My brothers were my friends, my comfort, my security. I loved them and felt they loved me. I could depend on them. To be separated from them was devastating to me. The memory that shines through all of the haze of time is the day I realized I was alone. They were not there, mom and dad were not there, and I did not know when I would ever see them again. Looking back I can see that I was very depressed. I isolated myself from the other girls. I remember lying down on the cement floor of the gazebo which was on the play ground of Saint Mary's. I rolled up in a fetal position and slept. I can tell you which side of the gazebo I was on, what the weather was like, how the sun shone through the sides of the gazebo, and how I felt. So sad, so lonely. If I had just had my brothers I would have been all right, maybe.
On this one particular day a girl named Theresa ask me to play with her. She had problems even I could discern. No one wanted to play with this girl. She was a lonely child as well, but what did I care! I had my own wounds to lick. Anyway, Theresa begged and pleaded with me to play with her. I said "NO!! Leave me alone.Go away!!" She said if I didn't play with her she would tell the nuns."Big deal", I thought. So off she went to tattletale on me. Just for good measure I yelled at her, calling her a big baby and picked up a rock and threw it. I was, of course, a very good shot. After all I had brothers. The rock found it's mark on the back of her head. The shock that hit her was dazzling! WOW, I did it! Of course Theresa started crying, and the blood started flowing,and she began running for her life. I meant to hurt her.I succeeded and was proud of it. Now she would never bother me again and it was a lesson for all of the other girls. DON'T MESS WITH JOANNE,and she won't mess with you....so I thought.
After awhile one of the older girls came to get me to take me to the nun. She may have spanked me I don't remember, but she gave me a far more severe punishment...play with Theresa the rest of the day. You've got to be kidding! Theresa kept gloating and bossing me around. I thought I would kill her. Then, I had a fabulous idea!All of the girls were given a nickle on week days to buy candy when the "candy nun" came out to the play ground. I made a deal with Theresa. I paid her off. She got my nickle and I was free of her.
I know this sounds like a sad story but I have no sadness in me as I tell it. I can see myself back then; I remember the sadness. But today I feel only happiness for the healing I have received from God. I was an industrious little girl and eventually made the adjustments needed to survive. I am a survivor and God used the time I was at Saint Mary's to protect me and teach me many things. I am grateful.