The orphanage

My greatest longing when I was in Saint Mary's Orphanage for Girls was the longing for my brothers company. The first Christmas I was there I wasn't allowed to go home so mom brought the boys to see me. I didn't care about getting gifts my gifts were Larry, Jerry, Bobby and Rusty. I cried like a baby( I was 6 yrs old ) when they had to leave. I always felt such happiness and pride when my brothers were around.I felt loved and safe in their company.I sank into a deep loneliness when they left that day. For the first time in my life I felt raging anger at...I didn't know who to direct my anger towards,..so I was angry with God. I blamed Him for all the problems, pain and loss. I felt he had let me down and forgot about me.
I never knew about God until coming to Saint Mary's several months before. It was there I came to understand that someone greater than anything created everything and allowed it to exist. If this was true,I reckoned, then it was God's fault all these problems and sufferings existed. Often I stood at the fence that surrounded the property and lamented at my circumstances. I tried desperately to reconcile a loving, caring Creator with my painful rejection and loneliness.
On the one hand I felt drawn to God and the beauty of the Mass and Sacraments of the Catholic Church, but on the other hand I felt confused and angry about my situation. Some of the nuns at Saint Mary's were loving, and some were aloof. One was abusive to me.( That can be another blog )For some reason I never blamed my parents. I felt they loved me and couldn't/wouldn't do anything to hurt me.
For many years I battled with these feelings and confusion. Then one day it occurred to me..BINGO... Freewill. We all have freewill. All the suffering that surrounded me was the result of the adults in my life exercising their freewill! It was then the curtained parted and I saw that God didn't have anything to do with my being separated from my family other than allowing people to use the freewill He had given them. Now I know that freewill was given so that we may choose to do good with this gift, but we can also choose to do otherwise. My parents had problems and couldn't seem to get it together for the good of their children.
As an adult I went back to Saint Mary's to visit. Many things had changed but the fence was still there. I walked around the property looking at all the special places I use to hang out. I walked up to the fence and as I stood there all the anger, pain and loneliness flooded back through me. I cried out to God,"WHY,WHY??" As I stood there expecting no response I was instantly filled with peace. In my mind and heart I felt that God said to me, " Joanne, you always saw this fence as a prison wall but I intended it to be a fortress wall to protect you." I realized in an instant that God had allowed me to be place at Saint Mary's for my good, to keep me safe from the lack of stability at home, and in my parents life. Yes, it was not always easy at Saint Mary's but I was provided for, fed, clothed, educated, had friends, and a measure of safety. Even the abusive nun was soon found out, and I was protected from her. So, God was taking as good a care of me as He could without violating the freewill of anyone else. As I stood there realizing all of this all I could say was "Thank you, dear God for caring for me and my brothers even though we may have blamed you. I now see You were taking care of us."